TERRY REAL PRESENTS:
Approved for 5 CE credits
Never in history have we wanted more from long term intimate relationships than we do right now.
We’re asking of partners what my colleague Esther Perel has called “The Grand Ambition of Love”: to be the one and only for one another, the everything, to supply for each other what we used to get from a whole village of relationships, from extended family, friends, community.
This creates major challenges for us as therapists because when it doesn’t work out as planned couples land in our practice asking for answers. They want us to help them navigate this new terrain with them and to give them a map.
The big problem is that by and large most of our clients’ relational skills remain primitive to nonexistent. For most of the couples we encounter in therapy there exists a massive discrepancy between the overarching ambition of idealized romance and the lack of a sophisticated means of achieving it.
Worse, most of what we believe about romance mitigates against our using skills at all. Love should be spontaneous, not fought for, not achieved.
Leading men and women into intimacy is synonymous with leading both sexes beyond traditional gender roles, or, said differently, beyond patriarchy. Because patriarchy was never built for intimacy to begin with, but rather for production and consumption, for stability.
This course equips therapists with the practical tools needed to guide men and women beyond their automatic, family of origin, and culturally determined responses to one another.
You’ll learn how to open up men’s hearts, helping them move beyond traditional masculinity into a more cherishing and vulnerable role. You’ll explore how to help women move beyond both traditional femininity and earlier versions of feminist empowerment, such that they gain loving voice, avoiding either extreme of resentful silence or ineffective shrillness.
And we will offer both sexes a new, truly relational paradigm of the realities of love and its vicissitudes. Perhaps most importantly, you’ll learn how to navigate and make use of the inevitable disappointments that come from the clash of your partner’s imperfections with your own—the very stuff of intimacy itself.
I look forward to seeing you inside this all-new training.
P.S. All the training calls are recorded and downloadable in the membership site.
P.P.S. You can also get 5 CEs for participating in the course for a nominal extra fee.
The crisis between men and women boils down to a simple historical fact—women have changed and men have not.-TERRENCE REAL, "Men and Women in Crisis: The Journey to Harvest"
How do we help lead men and women beyond traditional gender roles when the nature of those roles is in transition?
First we look at the wish. We begin to thread our way through such tricky pathways by asking a simple question – what would you like? If this therapy were a grand success what would a superb outcome net you?
Second, we look at the obstacles to achieving their goals – what is rooting them each and both in the vicious circle that prevents their forward movement. Here we introduce the idea of stance – stance – and dance. His relational deformity, hers, and the way they combine to create a self-reinforcing feedback loop, a vicious circle. We articulate that circle in the language of the more the more. The more he x’s the more she y’s etc. The blame is on the pattern not the people caught in the pattern.
Finally we place the pattern itself in the broader context of gender roles – either traditional roles that may no longer be working very well, or newer roles that are ambiguous or confusing. We teach our clients how to navigate and make use of the inevitable disappointments that come from the clash of his or her human imperfections with your own – the very stuff of intimacy itself.
A Five-Week Deep Dive into Modern Couples Therapy...
Session 1: What the Hell Happened to Us!
How to Set the Stage So that Clients Listen, Remain Open and Create Early Wins
As you already know, early in a client relationship you must establish rapport and trust or you won’t be able to create a framework to guide the conversation and connection. In this first session, we’ll look at ways to establish from the first client meeting a clear, precise, overarching understanding: here is the pattern you are stuck in.
Here is your part in the pattern and, if appropriate, here is yours. Finally, here is how this particular pattern is silhouetted against changes occurring all over modern society— the changing roles of women, the changes needed if men are to catch up, and the changing nature of relationship itself.
Together we will be exploring:
- The art of identifying egodystonic patterns to your clients that allows them to see their blindspot, often for the first time
- How to join through the truth without triggering defensiveness
- The most conducive way to fully experience healthy shame
Session 2: Tracking to the Triggers of Origin
How Couples Marry their Unfinished Business and What To Do About It
Now that you’ve got the pattern, go back to where it comes from.
We all marry our mothers and fathers, become our mothers and fathers. Falling in love comes with the belief, acknowledged or not, that with this person all will be healed, my unfinished places will be completed, and that what I didn’t get from my family growing up will finally be given to me. Or at the very least that my unhealed places will be avoided.
And yet the real work of intimacy begins on the day you realize, to your horror, that the partner you chose is exquisitely designed to “stick the burning spear into your eyeball.”
Ironically, it is our very compulsion to wrest from our partners that which we never got and feel we deserve, that which we thought they were promising, that fuels our repetitive negative cycles.
Most marriages enact the play of “relentless hope” followed by relentless revenge. Real healing comes not when we “get” our partners to comply with our wishes and control, but when we do something different on our end of the see saw—which might then trigger a different response and transform our interaction with one another.
You will learn:
- The connection between current relationship triggers and childhood adaptations
- The most skillful way to unmask the context for the couple’s vicious cycle
- How to help your clients pivot from habitual, dysfunctional response to a response that invites intimacy
Session 3: Rebalancing Power & Getting Client
Securing A Therapeutic Contract to Maximize a Positive Outcome
The cardinal rule of couples therapy is to not take sides. The predominant belief is that all problems are 50/50 and the therapist must remain neutral, equidistant to both parties. Although this sounds good in theory, it presumes that all couples are balanced in terms of power—when in fact many are not.
More common is what we call a blatant and a latent binary. One partner projects a superior, one-up position, while the other assumes a more traditional enabler position.
In these cases, our job as therapists is to rebalance the power imbalance. It means empowering the latent to stand up to the blatant. In RLT, we want the weak to stand up and the mighty to melt. We leverage the one-down’s assertiveness as a way to join the one-up partner in the truth.
This creates the conditions to lovingly confront the more anti-relational partner’s difficult behaviors—while still allowing more trust and closeness than before the confrontation. At the core of this session is the dynamic shift that comes when you give the inferior one voice and simultaneously open up the heart of the superior partner.
You will learn:
- How to diagnose power imbalances in couples
- The right way to skillfully side with the disempowered partner, without alienating the other partner as you do it
- Joining through the truth: Bring the superior partner “in from the cold” of disconnection into the warmth of accountability, vulnerability and empathy
Session 4: Deconstructing Symptoms by Reconstructing Gender
Teaching Men to Give Graciously and Women to Receive Openly
Patriarchy, and traditional gender roles, commits a double crime: it robs women of their loving voice and men of open heartedness. Many women present in therapy as either silenced or shrill, while men tend to present as self-centered, ungiving, or oblivious. Leading men and women into increased intimacy is synonymous with leading them out of patriarchy and out of traditional gender ties.
For women, the move is from personal empowerment to relational empowerment. It’s the ability to claim their wants and needs in a way that remains soft, connected, and cherishing. Men need to move beyond themselves. We need to teach men how to show up and grow up. Being able to listen to their partners without feeling defensive or without immediately moving into problem-solving. Men must learn to give their partners the essence of what they’re being asked for.
You will learn:
- To teach clients how to stand up for themselves while cherishing their partner and relationships at the same time
- To disarm with generosity rather than strength
- When to request, when to yield
Session 5: Teaching Your Couples to Live and Work Relationally
How to Create Lasting Change by Helping Clients Learn Real Skills
What replaces patriarchy then? We need to offer our clients a new vision of how to live truly relational lives and the skills that can operationalize that vision. What does it mean to live relationally? Living relationally means living a life that is authentically connected to yourself, your wants, your needs, your feelings, your sensations, your thoughts, and connected to others through empathy, vulnerability, sharing and accountability.
Living relationally is synonymous with living ecologically. Your relationship is your biosphere. You choose not to pollute it with an angry outburst over there because you know that you will be breathing in the pollution with your partner over here.
The essential mistake of patriarchy is the idea of dominion, that we stand above the system and lord over it. In fact we must have the humility to understand that we are a subcomponent of the system and we live inside of it. Altruism gets reconfigured as enlightened self interest.
You will learn:
- Using boundaries to protect and connect
- Where the leverage in the relationship occurs
- The consequences of contempt
ABOUT TERRY REAL
Terry Real is an internationally recognized Family Therapist, Speaker and Author. Terry founded the Relational Life Institute, which offers workshops for couples, individuals and parents around the country along with a professional training program for clinicians. A proponent of “full-throttle marriage,” as described in his book, The New Rules of Marriage, Terry has been called “the most innovative voice in thinking about and treating men and their relationships in the world today.” Terry is the best-selling author of, I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, the straight-talking, How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women, and most recently,The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work.
Plus Get Access to the Following Expert BONUS Calls
It all goes back, of course, to Adam and Eve – a story which shows among other things, that if you make a woman out of a man, you are bound to get into trouble. —Carol Gilligan
Re-Imagining Adam & Eve:
New Directions for Intimacy
Carol Gilligan has broken new ground in psychology, challenging mainstream psychologists with her theory that accepted benchmarks of moral and personal developments were drawn to a male bias and do not apply to women. Gilligan proposed that women have different moral criteria and follow a different path in maturation. A psychologist who taught at Harvard and Cambridge, Gilligan brought a feminist perspective to challenge Freud and new life to the statement “The personal is political.”
In 1982, Gilligan published In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development. The book detailed her criticism of Kohlberg’s theory and her views on female morality. Gilligan’s theories propelled her to the forefront of the feminist movement, and her followers joined her in encouraging society to view women and men equally in terms of influence and justice.
Working with Male Aggression toward Themselves, Other Men and Women
James Gilligan, M.D., is a psychiatrist, formerly on the faculty of the Harvard Medical School, Medical Director of Bridgewater State Hospital for the criminally insane, Director of mental health services for the Massachusetts prison system, and head of the Institute for Law and Psychiatry at McLean Hospital. He is author of Violence: Reflections on Our National Epidemic (Vintage, 1997), Preventing Violence (Thames and Hudson, 2001), and most recently, Why Some Politicians are More Dangerous than Others (Polity, 2011). He has consulted widely on the causes and prevention of violence. He is currently a Clinical Professor at New York University Medical School, a Collegiate Professor in the College of Arts and Sciences, and an Adjunct Professor at the School of Law.
Only maybe twenty, thirty percent of the time is the interaction [with your baby] “perfectly” in sync. The rest of the time, you’re in sync, you’re out of sync, you’re getting back into sync….You figure out a new way to do something together that you have never done before. If you create something new, you grow. And babies are about growing.
Mother / Infant Relationships Are Messy – And So Are Yours: What Infant Observational Research Can Teach Couples Therapists
Ed Tronick, PhD is an internationally known researcher and leader in the field of infant and young child mental health. His Still Face experiment, which uses microanalysis of infant/young child-caregiver interactions, led to the creation of his Mutual Regulation Model. This model views infants as part of an early dyadic communication system in which the infant and adult mutually regulate and scaffold their engagement with each other and the world by communicating and responding to each other’s intentions. Through this back-and-forth engagement, including matched and mismatched intentions and emotional states, the infant and young child learn about communication and emotional regulation. These processes form the foundation of social-emotional development and underlying brain architecture upon which the child’s later ability to regulate emotions and attend to tasks is built. Dr. Tronick will share his research findings, his theory, and videotapes of infants, young children, and parents to illuminate these processes. Participants will also participate in roundtable discussions to discuss how to put the Mutual Regulation Model into practice.
Once again here’s everything you get:
1. Five Video Sessions with Terry Real [VALUE $350]
2. Transcripts of the Recordings [VALUE $150]
3. Downloadable Files for all Training Calls [VALUE $100]
4. Three Bonus Expert Calls [VALUE $225]
TOTAL VALUE: $825
REGULAR PRICE: $397
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Here's What People Are Saying:
I had seen about 6 therapists over 15 years to deal with my depression and none of them made any real lasting change. My wife and I saw 3 couples therapists, one of whom seemed really good. But again, no lasting change. By contrast, Terry’s workshops and the direct work we did with him gave me my life back and saved my marriage.
David Feder, MSW, RSW, CSAT, Close Connections, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of Crazy Busy